All I Know Is That Cadbury Eggs Are For A Limited Time Only – The Awl

Passoverbeginstonight,andwhileIdonotworshiptheG_dofIsrael,IdigmatzoandObservingthisReligiousoccasionbecauseIwasraisedonTelevision,whereoneofthebestthingsIwasconditionedtoenjoywhenIwasachildwasthismovietheyputoneveryyeararoundthistimecalledTheTenCommandments,bythemoviedirectorCecilB。

DeMille,andstarringCharltonHeston,whowouldlatergoontobeagunenthusiastandstarinevencoolermovieswherehewoulddostufflikefightapesonawholeplanetfullofthem,beTheOmegaMan,andtelleverybodywhatthedealwaswithSoylentGreen。

(Youprobablyknowevenifyouhaven’tseenthemovie,butI’mnotgonnaspoiler?

it。

)

InTheTenCommandments,CharltonHestonwasMoses,whowasanorphanwhogotfloateddownariverinanEasterbasketandendedupbeingraisedbytheEgyptians,whowereusingthePeopleofIsraelasslavelabor,andlateronCharltonHestonwouldfigureouthewasMosesandneededtoleadhisPeopleoutofEgypt,butbeforehedid,hewagedhellaAsymmetricalWarfareonthePharaoh,whowastheverycoolandbaldYulBrynner,whowouldlatergoontobeaRobotCowboyinthemovieWestworld,andthenlaterontellpeopletoquitsmoking,whichyouprobablyshould,unlessyou’relike,80andyouhaveonefootonthebananapeelalready,youknow?

Smokingisbadforyou,probablyevensmokingweedisbadforyou,plusitmakeszerosensetosmokeweedbecauseyoucanjusteatittoachievethedesiredeffect,youknow?

Butsmokingisfun,Iknow,havingfire,playingwithfire,puffingsmokeringsandstuff,likewithcigars。

Anyway,HappyEasterinadvance?

also。

Or“HoppyEaster!

”That’salittleHolidaySayingthatgetsrolledoutthistimeofyearwithrespecttotherabbits,youknow?

ThatTVcommercialwiththeCadburyEasterEggBunnyisagoodexampleofacommercialwheretheygotitrightthefirsttime,butthenthepeopleattheAdvertisingAgencyrealizedtheycouldmilkthegoosethatlaysthegoldeneggsandbillmorehoursiftheykept“improving”thecommercialandrunningdifferentones,buttheoriginalonewasthebestexpressionoftheideathattheEasterRabbitshitsoutcreme-filledchocolateeggsforCadburyandyoushouldbuysomeforaLimitedTimeOnly。

ItisaMiracleof?

Easter。

InMyAmerica,PassoverandEasterarepartofthesameHolidaySeason,withPalmSundayasthekick-off。

PalmSundayistheReligiousEventwhereJesusrodeintotownonaburroandThePeoplelaiddownpalmbranchesinHis(andtheburro’s)path。

Idon’tthinkthere’sanyspecialfoodinvolvedwithPalmSunday,butIalwaysremembertheywouldpasstheCollectionBasketagainfora“SpecialCollection”atchurch,aftertheregularcollection,sowewouldalwayscallit“PalmSunday,”inquotes,andholdourhandout,thejokebeingTheChurchhaditspalmout,formoreloot。

GoodFridayisintheretoo,inthistimeofyear,butwow,that’sabummer,yougotoserviceswheretheytortureJesusandnailhimtoafuckingcross。

Harsh。

Plus,Iremember(Ihaven’tbeentochurchinawhile)thispartwhereyousaystufflike“CrucifyHim,”soyoucanstrapontheguilt-bagandhelpkillJesus。

No?

thanks。

Sothere’smoneyandjellybeansandmatzoandhamandCharltonHestonandEdwardG。

RobinsonandYulBrynnerandIAMstringingupJesusandchocolatebunniesinmymindrightnowfortheseHolidays,allrestinginabasketfullofEaster?

Hay。

IwonderifTheNewYorkereverdidacartoonofarabbitatoneofthose“brewpubs”doinga“flight”ofbeerliketheydonow,sopeoplecantastethemicro-brewsandfigureoutwhichonetodrinkwiththeircheeseburger?

Itwouldbelike,aBartenderrabbitservingthelittletaste-sizedglassesofbeerononeofthosestupidlittleflight-paddlestosomepeopleandsaying,“They’reallpretty‘hoppy,’”har!

Ormaybeit’sarabbitwhoistheCustomerandhecouldbehoistingamicro-brewandsayinginthecaption“Doyouhaveanythingthatisn’tso‘hoppy?

’”Getit?

PersonallyIdonotenjoy“hoppy”beer,whichiswheretheyputlotsofhopsintothebeeringprocess。

Itbecomesverybitter,andthenittakesmeforevertodrinkone,feh。

Orthebunnycouldbe,like,thebartenderagain,andsaysomethingtotheeffectof“BeforeIserveyou,beadvisedI’veheardallthe‘hoppy’jokes,”ormaybehecouldberollinghisEaster-eyesandgoingtobeer-tastingcustomerswhoarealsobunnies,“JesusChrist,‘Hoppy?

’That’sallyougot?

”Anyway,ifthat’salreadynotaTheNewYorkercartoon,somebodyshouldgoaheadanddothatone,thankyouandHoppyEaster,getit?

Ormaybeit’sJesusservingabeerto12bunniesandtheycoulduseitforthe“captioncontest。



Previously:Let’sCloneEverythingRightNowSoWeWillNeverDie

Mr。

Wrongcanconversewithyouviamany?